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[06 Dec 2006|07:42pm]
One by one
they drop like flies.
Ring around the duck duck goose's
got your neck.
Someone has to take your place
somewhere in the unfolding deception
that is like a comfortable lawn chair.
lovely smiling
hugged me
and left the arms to lie limp.
Anger stole my inhibitions.
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[03 Dec 2006|03:26pm]
Hello Mr. MattiCollapse )
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[02 Dec 2006|03:11am]
The thing about igloos is, you never know when they're going to jump up in your life and smack you in the face. Tonight I ran into a man. A man with a plan for igloos... a plan I had never considered before--hell, I'm lying. Everyone's considered hotboxing an igloo at least once in their lives. Anyway, it just brought me back to growing up in Alaska, living in an igloo, getting mad at all the stoners you're stuck living with in there...etc. I suddenly had a panic attack, remembering that my parents were avid meth heads. Right then and there, this "man with a plan" came to my side almost immediately and saved me from my igloo nightmares. This, I will never forget, and I will always honor with my heart. He and I went off alone for a few minutes and talked about our traumatic experiences. In summation, I had fun at Rocky with Amelia, and fucking watch out for igloos.
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[29 Nov 2006|08:27pm]
You've been pressed from the beginning
to make it something more,
you've been dressed from the beginning,
you've been lying from the beginning.
You've been dragging charades on and off,
tripping over your rags of lies,
ripping up your webs of actors.

You have doll eyes.
You were terrible at this game
you are terrible at trying too hard
and so good at looking nonchalant
with your dripping eyeliner and wispy strands
of spider webs.

You were losing in the end
but here I am,
you had a pocket full of lust in the end
and you were picked apart for your treachery.
I've lost any meaning to this,
where we are.
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[29 Nov 2006|05:47pm]
I've been so angry and stressed out lately and I'm taking it out on everybody except my safeties and so sorry guys but I'm really in a hateful mood just about 24/7 and I WILL be mean to you and I WON'T regret it because it makes me feel better than this shit.

So sorry, fuck you. Fuck you, and you, and you. And don't bitch to me because I won't listen.
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[27 Nov 2006|07:58pm]
[ mood | hateful ]

I will kill you in the only way I know how to do it without killing you.

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[26 Nov 2006|07:08pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Seven months until I get my license.

I absolutely love love love love love alcohol, and Amelia, and Rachel, and Curtis and Danny Matti.

Pictures you might be interested in.Collapse )

Also, since I'm a turd and feel obligated:


FUCKING GROW UP. There's nothing wrong with you baby, nothing at all except you are a SPOILED BRAT. Sometimes (and this might be a shock) you have to do things because you RESPECT people? Oh god, is that a foreign concept too? Of course it is. Just look at you. You don't even respect yourself.

The end.

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9/10/06 [24 Nov 2006|11:22pm]
I told you,
"Stay away from them,"
I told you, not to run too far from the straight line.
I said,
"You can't fall in love yet."

You told me I was too obtrusive.
You brushed me off,
and I decided you were right.

Now you're basked in black light
and all the parts that used to glow
only show up
as a glowing cigarette butt
thrown on the ground in some disgusting turmoil.

You told me I was overreacting.
You told me you wouldn't change.

You kept it in your hand.
You kept your promise,
your jewelry,
your safety
in your hand.

You never came back
when you put it to use.
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[23 Nov 2006|11:27pm]
There's this huge puzzle piece that is missing and I feel like I won't attain it until I do something very drastic but I can't because despite how frivilous everything here is, I need it. My brain is too small to grasp the universe so I need these idiotic societal standards...we are a colony, we are all a living being, all one. Those who rebel are still part, because as long as you are human you are part of a community of fucking idiots who elect those with the least sense, who learn the most pointless things, who never strive for anything worth anything. Our leaders are not politicians. Our leaders are the small percentage of people in this world who make the difference. Our leader is social persuasion. Ramble ramble ramble. I'm pretty bad at it.
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To you. [23 Nov 2006|07:23pm]
I miss you.

I miss all of it.

He said, she said, it's all so goddamn annoying. It's all so immature. I wish people would grow up.

I keep things that are secret, secret.

I don't talk shit about people I care about.


And, I don't stop loving people. Ever. How can anybody's emotions be so horribly false?

Read more...Collapse )
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[22 Nov 2006|01:45pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Squeezing from all sides.

You tell me,

"College will be better. You just have to work through the bullshit."

No one seems to understand that most of the bullshit I'm given, is from myself.

No one seems to understand what a pain in the ass this is.

The psychologist, fucking,
my dad called fucking 2 1/2 weeks ago.

And so I finally get an appointment FOUR WEEKS from when he first called.

Ask me why my grades are bad, but you don't really want to know.

ListenCollapse )

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Psycho rescheduled for 2 weeks later. What a bitch. [20 Nov 2006|06:32pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I like to believe that I am invincible, because I only really hurt when I do it to myself... in social aspects anyway.

And you know, I think I'm starting to believe you.

Because, humans come back after a while.

And where are you?

As a side-noteCollapse )

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[19 Nov 2006|07:17pm]
On Friday I've got to admit that Melissa and I had a pretty good time in my opinion. I feel bad that Scott went to all that trouble to get me cigarettes though.

Amelia's mom picked me up yesterday and Amelia, Derek, Sarah and I all went to the mall for a bit. We got picked up, went back to Amelia's house, Derek and Sarah went home...and then Curtis picked us up. Despite not knowing very many people at the party that we went to other than Amelia, Curtis, and Danny... I still had a really good time. Everyone was really nice.

I got satisfyingly drunk, and slept about an hour and a half. Curtis took Amelia and me back to her house... we walked up to her neighborhood park and met Derek. Hung out there for a little while and went back home for pizza and Invader Zim.

We fell asleep during Invader Zim and I didn't get home until about 6 today. So, I think I can pretty safely say that this weekend was THE SHIT. Even if I don't get to see Cat Power. It's all good.

Oh, and there's also the fact that as soon as I got home it was non-stop bitching from kay and my dad. laks;dfja;dfj

But. That not being the point, YAY WEEKEND!
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[18 Nov 2006|03:34pm]
"Captain! Urgent news! Kay Ruth's sister is staying in your house tonight!"

"Not... no! I thought..."

"It's true. What actions will you take?!"

...With her wifebeater of supreme justice, Hollis transforms into...


With her superior agility, she dials the phone number that she knows will answer! Amelia!!

[Amelia is often Hollis' counterpart in her heroic deeds.]

"AMELIA! We have a serious problem!"

"What is it, Captain? Do you need "OTHER" to be pushed down on a lid?!!!"

"Not this time, trusty sidekick. This time it's really serious. We have an evil-doer coming into my home."

"Oh no!"

...To be continued...
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[18 Nov 2006|02:00pm]

did I dream about you?

You people are so pathetic. You need someone to pick you up when you fall. You need someone to guide you through YOUR life. Once, I tried to be that. But I guess it's kind of hard to understand that it takes practice to become a functioning human being. I'm not even close yet.

I overreact. I freak out about things. But you will never see me do it again. It takes discipline to hurt worse than you've ever hurt in your life, and not tell a soul. I admire people like that. And you know what I hate? I hate people like you. I hate people like you... who publicize every bad aspect of their lives in a pathetic attempt to gain pity and/or trust.

And I'm sure you lie, too.

Why do I even think about this?
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Desecrated [17 Nov 2006|05:33pm]
My altar was desecrated.

I don't even think I will find all the parts of it when we're done with the central cooling and everything.

Thanks Dad.

I'm supposed to see Levi tomorrow.

Kay's sister is staying over tomorrow night.

Please somebody get me out of this house tomorrow night.

Cat Power is playing at Cat's Cradle on Sunday. I want to go. I'm pretty sure it won't happen.

I feel like all my hopes for this weekend will be shattered.
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Suddenly [16 Nov 2006|04:28pm]
All of the sudden, I hate sex with a passion. I mean, I haven't had sex in a while. It's not like "God, sex is so annoying"

Just thinking about it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.
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[15 Nov 2006|06:19pm]
You have to touch something to believe that it is real. But touching, sense, perception, is in many ways as unreal as it gets.

My only escape is to try to think of things that make me laugh. Because nothing else really distracts me anymore.

Humanity tries to think that we are the supreme, ultimate power in the universe when there is so much more that our minds can't explain. We have to write it down, think about it, make sure it's right... can't ever just believe something because we see it and we know it.

Can't ever just stop looking with our eyes.

We've all seen things we don't understand and we question them... when will anyone realize that questions only create words, and words warp meaning?

One night I stared up at the sky. I saw something so peculiar and strange that I couldn't stop watching. I got scared and breathless but I didn't look away. I didn't question it, and I don't question it now. I don't name it, I don't give it words because when I drew a breath to ask what it was doing, it vanished.
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Tactics [14 Nov 2006|03:47pm]
Silly mind games, simple ways to get to people because you know them and you know how they work. And of course, their mind games work. It's not difficult to hurt people if they are your friends.

And that's the worst part. Friendship shouldn't be about teaching friends a lesson, or fighting, or letting them know that you are better than them. It shouldn't be about hating each other out of spite and jealousy.

It should be about comfort and love, DESPITE the problems that arise. It shouldn't be about dropping off the face of the planet when they do something wrong.

But, it is all about tactics. Friendship is all about a horrible game of chess where one side wins and the other one eats the dust.

Usually they both end up desolate.

Petty insults rule the highschool scene, and no matter how many times I say I've had enough of it, I won't be able to escape it for now so what's the use?

Of course, there is always a way to back out, there is always a last resort but I'm too nice, I'm not cruel enough. I care too much, but no one has any idea just how much. That's another part of it--you have to become detached so that you can slice them away when they get too edgy.

And sometimes I wish that I was the person that I was before I met Pickles, I was that hellish fuck on the face of the planet...because I didn't have as much morality, I didn't have any mercy for myself or for anyone else. Most of the time I feel like you deserve whoever I was because I didn't care then who could put up with me or not.

I feel like I am slowly turning into her again and it scares me. I can't imagine what will happen this time around.
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I dunno [13 Nov 2006|04:39pm]
[ mood | anxious/sick ]

Well other than the immense amount of drama, my life has been pretty boring.


What was that last thing you said?
I think I missed it
when I was counting
syllables in your throat

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