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[06 Dec 2006|07:42pm] |
One by one
they drop like flies.
Ring around the duck duck goose's
got your neck.
Someone has to take your place
somewhere in the unfolding deception
that is like a comfortable lawn chair.
Trash-talking
lovely smiling
hugged me
and left the arms to lie limp.
Anger stole my inhibitions.
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| Today I got a letter |
[04 Dec 2006|05:34pm] |
I got a letter today from Julie, and inside it was a picture from thanksgiving, and criticisms.
I smoke.
I hang out with people older than me.
I'VE DONE THE LATTER SINCE I WAS 14.
And all of the sudden, it's everyone in my family's fucking agenda to make me stop. Well... where was your fucking support when I was a dumb cutter kid? Where were you when I wanted you to fucking be there? Go to hell. Seriously.
Julie, you have no idea what it's like in this house. You get along with Kay for reasons unknown to me... but I just try to avoid her as much as possible. She takes everything so fucking seriously. My dad is the only one I can even TOLERATE anymore and he just WONT' STOP GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT SMOKING.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, DEAREST FAMILY. JUST BECAUSE YOU ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME ABOUT SMOKING ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ME STOP. ACTUALLY, IT WILL STRESS ME OUT AND MAKE ME SMOKE MORE. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
I hate living here. I fucking hate it. I've hated it for fucking years but I can't leave. I hate people, I hate living with people, I hate people at school... I just fucking plain hate everybody. ...No, not really. I just want to live alone, I guess. Ugh. akls;jf;laksjf
Yeah, and then there's school. I can't get anything done. I have no motivation. I'm still failing everything, I just don't know how to do anything in school. My friends are all dicks except a few. Everyone's having problems, I feel helpless to try to fix any of them because I'm just not that important...I'm just not.
Everyone's drifting away...everyone. Except some people. I guess. But I consider all my friends important; I love you all.
And I don't stop loving.
I'm so mad.
friendships are falling apart,
school is falling apart,
family is falling apart.
Three areas of my life.
and they're all fucking with me.
At this point I'm just about to throw a tantrum. aaaghhh
well, there was one bright point in my day. Cathy Will and I were coming back on campus and this random black guy started laughing, walking beside us. He didn't even know us... it was really random and really funny. And then, back on campus, there was this girl chasing a guy around the picnic tables. She stopped to take a breath and keeled over and vomited. Right after that she just kept running. It was so random.
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[02 Dec 2006|03:11am] |
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The thing about igloos is, you never know when they're going to jump up in your life and smack you in the face. Tonight I ran into a man. A man with a plan for igloos... a plan I had never considered before--hell, I'm lying. Everyone's considered hotboxing an igloo at least once in their lives. Anyway, it just brought me back to growing up in Alaska, living in an igloo, getting mad at all the stoners you're stuck living with in there...etc. I suddenly had a panic attack, remembering that my parents were avid meth heads. Right then and there, this "man with a plan" came to my side almost immediately and saved me from my igloo nightmares. This, I will never forget, and I will always honor with my heart. He and I went off alone for a few minutes and talked about our traumatic experiences. In summation, I had fun at Rocky with Amelia, and fucking watch out for igloos.
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[01 Dec 2006|06:08pm] |
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<3 < / 3
alcohol people who don't shut the fuck up
when people are called by their last names when people think they're the shit...they're not
kissing Student Rights Union. Dear god
sex broughton
marijuana super assholes
Amelia and Mr. Lively being retarded
fried chicken being annoying
surprises BACKSTABBERS
surprising somebody cocaine
mcgriddles stupid people
good grades talking shit
camel lights cutters
real friends fads
knowing they won't break my trust expensive clothes
being held rich people
driving people who think they have it the worst
dancing in the rain niggers*
holding hands
platonic spider potatoes
rocky
hugs
video production/photography
spanish
my music
*by "niggers" I mean just what it means... ignorant people. And no one is more ignorant than the little ghetto culture in this society.
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[29 Nov 2006|08:27pm] |
You've been pressed from the beginning
to make it something more,
you've been dressed from the beginning,
you've been lying from the beginning.
You've been dragging charades on and off,
tripping over your rags of lies,
ripping up your webs of actors.
You have doll eyes.
You were terrible at this game
you are terrible at trying too hard
and so good at looking nonchalant
with your dripping eyeliner and wispy strands
of spider webs.
You were losing in the end
but here I am,
you had a pocket full of lust in the end
and you were picked apart for your treachery.
I've lost any meaning to this,
where we are.
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[29 Nov 2006|05:47pm] |
I've been so angry and stressed out lately and I'm taking it out on everybody except my safeties and so sorry guys but I'm really in a hateful mood just about 24/7 and I WILL be mean to you and I WON'T regret it because it makes me feel better than this shit.
So sorry, fuck you. Fuck you, and you, and you. And don't bitch to me because I won't listen.
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[27 Nov 2006|07:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hateful |
] |
I will kill you in the only way I know how to do it without killing you.
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[26 Nov 2006|07:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the delgados |
] |
Seven months until I get my license.
I absolutely love love love love love alcohol, and Amelia, and Rachel, and Curtis and Danny Matti.
( Pictures you might be interested in. )
Also, since I'm a turd and feel obligated:
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING A BITCH AND BEING PSYCHOTIC AND SELFISH.
FUCKING GROW UP. There's nothing wrong with you baby, nothing at all except you are a SPOILED BRAT. Sometimes (and this might be a shock) you have to do things because you RESPECT people? Oh god, is that a foreign concept too? Of course it is. Just look at you. You don't even respect yourself.
The end.
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| 9/10/06 |
[24 Nov 2006|11:22pm] |
I told you,
"Stay away from them,"
I told you, not to run too far from the straight line.
I said,
"You can't fall in love yet."
You told me I was too obtrusive.
You brushed me off,
and I decided you were right.
Now you're basked in black light
and all the parts that used to glow
only show up
as a glowing cigarette butt
thrown on the ground in some disgusting turmoil.
You told me I was overreacting.
You told me you wouldn't change.
You kept it in your hand.
You kept your promise,
your jewelry,
your safety
in your hand.
You never came back
when you put it to use.
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[23 Nov 2006|11:27pm] |
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There's this huge puzzle piece that is missing and I feel like I won't attain it until I do something very drastic but I can't because despite how frivilous everything here is, I need it. My brain is too small to grasp the universe so I need these idiotic societal standards...we are a colony, we are all a living being, all one. Those who rebel are still part, because as long as you are human you are part of a community of fucking idiots who elect those with the least sense, who learn the most pointless things, who never strive for anything worth anything. Our leaders are not politicians. Our leaders are the small percentage of people in this world who make the difference. Our leader is social persuasion. Ramble ramble ramble. I'm pretty bad at it.
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| To you. |
[23 Nov 2006|07:23pm] |
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I miss you.
I miss all of it.
He said, she said, it's all so goddamn annoying. It's all so immature. I wish people would grow up.
I keep things that are secret, secret.
I don't talk shit about people I care about.
...
And, I don't stop loving people. Ever. How can anybody's emotions be so horribly false?
( Read more... )
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[22 Nov 2006|01:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Firefly - Alpha |
] |
Squeezing from all sides.
You tell me,
"College will be better. You just have to work through the bullshit."
No one seems to understand that most of the bullshit I'm given, is from myself.
No one seems to understand what a pain in the ass this is.
The psychologist, fucking,
my dad called fucking 2 1/2 weeks ago.
And so I finally get an appointment FOUR WEEKS from when he first called.
Ask me why my grades are bad, but you don't really want to know.
( Listen )
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| Psycho rescheduled for 2 weeks later. What a bitch. |
[20 Nov 2006|06:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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cat power |
] |
I like to believe that I am invincible, because I only really hurt when I do it to myself... in social aspects anyway.
And you know, I think I'm starting to believe you.
Because, humans come back after a while.
And where are you?
( As a side-note )
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[19 Nov 2006|07:17pm] |
On Friday I've got to admit that Melissa and I had a pretty good time in my opinion. I feel bad that Scott went to all that trouble to get me cigarettes though.
Amelia's mom picked me up yesterday and Amelia, Derek, Sarah and I all went to the mall for a bit. We got picked up, went back to Amelia's house, Derek and Sarah went home...and then Curtis picked us up. Despite not knowing very many people at the party that we went to other than Amelia, Curtis, and Danny... I still had a really good time. Everyone was really nice.
I got satisfyingly drunk, and slept about an hour and a half. Curtis took Amelia and me back to her house... we walked up to her neighborhood park and met Derek. Hung out there for a little while and went back home for pizza and Invader Zim.
We fell asleep during Invader Zim and I didn't get home until about 6 today. So, I think I can pretty safely say that this weekend was THE SHIT. Even if I don't get to see Cat Power. It's all good.
Oh, and there's also the fact that as soon as I got home it was non-stop bitching from kay and my dad. laks;dfja;dfj
But. That not being the point, YAY WEEKEND!
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[18 Nov 2006|03:34pm] |
"Captain! Urgent news! Kay Ruth's sister is staying in your house tonight!"
"Not... no! I thought..."
"It's true. What actions will you take?!"
...With her wifebeater of supreme justice, Hollis transforms into...
EVASION HOLLIS!
With her superior agility, she dials the phone number that she knows will answer! Amelia!!
[Amelia is often Hollis' counterpart in her heroic deeds.]
"AMELIA! We have a serious problem!"
"What is it, Captain? Do you need "OTHER" to be pushed down on a lid?!!!"
"Not this time, trusty sidekick. This time it's really serious. We have an evil-doer coming into my home."
"Oh no!"
...To be continued...
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[18 Nov 2006|02:00pm] |
WHY
did I dream about you?
You people are so pathetic. You need someone to pick you up when you fall. You need someone to guide you through YOUR life. Once, I tried to be that. But I guess it's kind of hard to understand that it takes practice to become a functioning human being. I'm not even close yet.
I overreact. I freak out about things. But you will never see me do it again. It takes discipline to hurt worse than you've ever hurt in your life, and not tell a soul. I admire people like that. And you know what I hate? I hate people like you. I hate people like you... who publicize every bad aspect of their lives in a pathetic attempt to gain pity and/or trust.
And I'm sure you lie, too.
Why do I even think about this?
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| Desecrated |
[17 Nov 2006|05:33pm] |
My altar was desecrated.
I don't even think I will find all the parts of it when we're done with the central cooling and everything.
Thanks Dad.
I'm supposed to see Levi tomorrow.
Kay's sister is staying over tomorrow night.
Please somebody get me out of this house tomorrow night.
Cat Power is playing at Cat's Cradle on Sunday. I want to go. I'm pretty sure it won't happen.
I feel like all my hopes for this weekend will be shattered.
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| Suddenly |
[16 Nov 2006|04:28pm] |
All of the sudden, I hate sex with a passion. I mean, I haven't had sex in a while. It's not like "God, sex is so annoying"
Just thinking about it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.
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[15 Nov 2006|06:19pm] |
You have to touch something to believe that it is real. But touching, sense, perception, is in many ways as unreal as it gets.
My only escape is to try to think of things that make me laugh. Because nothing else really distracts me anymore.
Humanity tries to think that we are the supreme, ultimate power in the universe when there is so much more that our minds can't explain. We have to write it down, think about it, make sure it's right... can't ever just believe something because we see it and we know it.
Can't ever just stop looking with our eyes.
We've all seen things we don't understand and we question them... when will anyone realize that questions only create words, and words warp meaning?
One night I stared up at the sky. I saw something so peculiar and strange that I couldn't stop watching. I got scared and breathless but I didn't look away. I didn't question it, and I don't question it now. I don't name it, I don't give it words because when I drew a breath to ask what it was doing, it vanished.
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