It Takes One to Know One

good_lederhosen @ 2006-12-06T19:42:00

2006-12-07T00:42:03Z

One by one
they drop like flies.
Ring around the duck duck goose's
got your neck.
Someone has to take your place
somewhere in the unfolding deception
that is like a comfortable lawn chair.
Trash-talking
lovely smiling
hugged me
and left the arms to lie limp.
Anger stole my inhibitions.

Today I got a letter

2006-12-04T22:34:10Z

I got a letter today from Julie, and inside it was a picture from thanksgiving, and criticisms.

I smoke.
I hang out with people older than me.

I'VE DONE THE LATTER SINCE I WAS 14.

And all of the sudden, it's everyone in my family's fucking agenda to make me stop. Well... where was your fucking support when I was a dumb cutter kid? Where were you when I wanted you to fucking be there? Go to hell. Seriously.

Julie, you have no idea what it's like in this house. You get along with Kay for reasons unknown to me... but I just try to avoid her as much as possible. She takes everything so fucking seriously. My dad is the only one I can even TOLERATE anymore and he just WONT' STOP GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT SMOKING.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, DEAREST FAMILY. JUST BECAUSE YOU ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME ABOUT SMOKING ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ME STOP. ACTUALLY, IT WILL STRESS ME OUT AND MAKE ME SMOKE MORE. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

I hate living here. I fucking hate it. I've hated it for fucking years but I can't leave. I hate people, I hate living with people, I hate people at school... I just fucking plain hate everybody. ...No, not really. I just want to live alone, I guess. Ugh. akls;jf;laksjf

Yeah, and then there's school. I can't get anything done. I have no motivation. I'm still failing everything, I just don't know how to do anything in school. My friends are all dicks except a few. Everyone's having problems, I feel helpless to try to fix any of them because I'm just not that important...I'm just not.

Everyone's drifting away...everyone. Except some people. I guess. But I consider all my friends important; I love you all.

And I don't stop loving.

I'm so mad.

friendships are falling apart,
school is falling apart,
family is falling apart.

Three areas of my life.

and they're all fucking with me.

At this point I'm just about to throw a tantrum. aaaghhh

well, there was one bright point in my day. Cathy Will and I were coming back on campus and this random black guy started laughing, walking beside us. He didn't even know us... it was really random and really funny. And then, back on campus, there was this girl chasing a guy around the picnic tables. She stopped to take a breath and keeled over and vomited. Right after that she just kept running. It was so random.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-12-03T15:26:00

2006-12-03T20:26:55Z

good_lederhosen @ 2006-12-02T03:11:00

2006-12-02T08:11:19Z

The thing about igloos is, you never know when they're going to jump up in your life and smack you in the face. Tonight I ran into a man. A man with a plan for igloos... a plan I had never considered before--hell, I'm lying. Everyone's considered hotboxing an igloo at least once in their lives. Anyway, it just brought me back to growing up in Alaska, living in an igloo, getting mad at all the stoners you're stuck living with in there...etc. I suddenly had a panic attack, remembering that my parents were avid meth heads. Right then and there, this "man with a plan" came to my side almost immediately and saved me from my igloo nightmares. This, I will never forget, and I will always honor with my heart. He and I went off alone for a few minutes and talked about our traumatic experiences. In summation, I had fun at Rocky with Amelia, and fucking watch out for igloos.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-12-01T18:08:00

2006-12-01T23:08:37Z

< / 3

alcohol

people who don't shut the fuck up

when people are called by their last names

when people think they're the shit...they're not

kissing

Student Rights Union. Dear god

sex

broughton

marijuana

super assholes

Amelia and Mr. Lively

being retarded

fried chicken

being annoying

surprises

BACKSTABBERS

surprising somebody

cocaine

mcgriddles

stupid people

good grades

talking shit

camel lights

cutters

real friends

fads

knowing they won't break my trust

expensive clothes

being held

rich people

driving

people who think they have it the worst

dancing in the rain

niggers*

holding hands

platonic spider potatoes

rocky

hugs

video production/photography

spanish

my music

*by "niggers" I mean just what it means... ignorant people. And no one is more ignorant than the little ghetto culture in this society.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-29T20:27:00

2006-11-30T01:27:25Z

You've been pressed from the beginning
to make it something more,
you've been dressed from the beginning,
you've been lying from the beginning.
You've been dragging charades on and off,
tripping over your rags of lies,
ripping up your webs of actors.

You have doll eyes.
You were terrible at this game
you are terrible at trying too hard
and so good at looking nonchalant
with your dripping eyeliner and wispy strands
of spider webs.

You were losing in the end
but here I am,
you had a pocket full of lust in the end
and you were picked apart for your treachery.
I've lost any meaning to this,
where we are.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-29T17:47:00

2006-11-29T22:47:06Z

I've been so angry and stressed out lately and I'm taking it out on everybody except my safeties and so sorry guys but I'm really in a hateful mood just about 24/7 and I WILL be mean to you and I WON'T regret it because it makes me feel better than this shit.

So sorry, fuck you. Fuck you, and you, and you. And don't bitch to me because I won't listen.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-27T19:58:00

2006-11-28T00:58:41Z

I will kill you in the only way I know how to do it without killing you.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-26T19:08:00

2006-11-27T00:08:17Z

Seven months until I get my license.

I absolutely love love love love love alcohol, and Amelia, and Rachel, and Curtis and Danny Matti.

Just showing off my headband. :)

Fucking potheads

Like I said...

I hung out with David today

We went to castle park

He posed for the camera.

I look like shit, and I was wearing his glasses.

WE ARE SO KAWAAAIIIIIII ASKLJFLAKSDJFLAKSD

...Does anybody else notice how white my hand looks compared to his jacket in that one?

Also, since I'm a turd and feel obligated:

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING A BITCH AND BEING PSYCHOTIC AND SELFISH.

FUCKING GROW UP. There's nothing wrong with you baby, nothing at all except you are a SPOILED BRAT. Sometimes (and this might be a shock) you have to do things because you RESPECT people? Oh god, is that a foreign concept too? Of course it is. Just look at you. You don't even respect yourself.

The end.

9/10/06

2006-11-25T04:22:00Z

I told you,
"Stay away from them,"
I told you, not to run too far from the straight line.
I said,
"You can't fall in love yet."

You told me I was too obtrusive.
You brushed me off,
and I decided you were right.

Now you're basked in black light
and all the parts that used to glow
only show up
as a glowing cigarette butt
thrown on the ground in some disgusting turmoil.

You told me I was overreacting.
You told me you wouldn't change.

You kept it in your hand.
You kept your promise,
your jewelry,
your safety
in your hand.

You never came back
when you put it to use.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-23T23:27:00

2006-11-24T04:27:45Z

There's this huge puzzle piece that is missing and I feel like I won't attain it until I do something very drastic but I can't because despite how frivilous everything here is, I need it. My brain is too small to grasp the universe so I need these idiotic societal standards...we are a colony, we are all a living being, all one. Those who rebel are still part, because as long as you are human you are part of a community of fucking idiots who elect those with the least sense, who learn the most pointless things, who never strive for anything worth anything. Our leaders are not politicians. Our leaders are the small percentage of people in this world who make the difference. Our leader is social persuasion. Ramble ramble ramble. I'm pretty bad at it.

To you.

2006-11-24T00:23:04Z

I miss you.

I miss all of it.

He said, she said, it's all so goddamn annoying. It's all so immature. I wish people would grow up.

I keep things that are secret, secret.

I don't talk shit about people I care about.

...

And, I don't stop loving people. Ever. How can anybody's emotions be so horribly false?

Woke from dreaming, but it took convincing.
I was shaking, screaming,
I was still alive
and you were picking strangers
by the side of roadways.
Little little let the danger unfold.

You can do what you do if you think you'll take it.
You can do what you do if you are that way inclined.

Suffer with silk
as the pressure's tighter,
You have skin pale as milk with the pressure on.

My heart is getting heavy
and my hands are weak now.
Hatred lifting
and I'll start to weep now.

You can do what you do if you think you'll take it.
You can do what you do if you are that way inclined.

Just for a moment can we take a little time?
Just stop for a moment, can we make this moment mine?
I've tried to let go but I've never had much to say.
Take a day,
take them all now.

Just for a moment can we take a little time?
Just stop for a moment, can we look inside this mind?
We try to control, but we never quite know what's there.
We will kill if we need to.

David Richardson is my music savior.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-22T13:45:00

2006-11-22T18:45:43Z

Squeezing from all sides.

You tell me,

"College will be better. You just have to work through the bullshit."

No one seems to understand that most of the bullshit I'm given, is from myself.

No one seems to understand what a pain in the ass this is.

The psychologist, fucking,
my dad called fucking 2 1/2 weeks ago.

And so I finally get an appointment FOUR WEEKS from when he first called.

Ask me why my grades are bad, but you don't really want to know.

Who begins a star?
Who will roll far?
Took the way I know,
Move along now.

So sad, I lost my memory.
The shape of things to come.
Circus heart stopped inside me;
There's just no time.

Halcyon days
Pine the roadways,
Got to let you know.
And I walk the way the wind blows.
Softly in clouds of envy
I see those eyes:
Fireflies in time.

Don't ask for anything more,
There seem no room in my life.
Don't ask for anything more.
Don't know why.

Talk to me.
Drag my memory
Across a seashore of sin.
Yes I care;
I'm trying to say it.
I'm getting tired, so look:
I'll never,
I'll never.
Whenever.

Hold your hand, hold the light.
Indian took another butterfly.
Anything, cloud nor dirt.
Funny bird,
Burning words.
Traveling,
Dreams for me
In time.

Heads down,
Words from an Indian,
Words tinny in tone.
Peace signs,
Hitching a ride with
Destiny on tow.

Traveling,
Dreams for me
In time.
Heads down,
Words from an Indian,
Words tinny in tone.

Firefly - Alpha.

Psycho rescheduled for 2 weeks later. What a bitch.

2006-11-20T23:32:20Z

I like to believe that I am invincible, because I only really hurt when I do it to myself... in social aspects anyway.

And you know, I think I'm starting to believe you.

Because, humans come back after a while.

And where are you?

They accepted you because they're too dumb to realize how you really are. But I see it. Don't you crave honesty every once in a while? Don't you crave calmness?

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-19T19:17:00

2006-11-20T00:17:56Z

On Friday I've got to admit that Melissa and I had a pretty good time in my opinion. I feel bad that Scott went to all that trouble to get me cigarettes though.

Amelia's mom picked me up yesterday and Amelia, Derek, Sarah and I all went to the mall for a bit. We got picked up, went back to Amelia's house, Derek and Sarah went home...and then Curtis picked us up. Despite not knowing very many people at the party that we went to other than Amelia, Curtis, and Danny... I still had a really good time. Everyone was really nice.

I got satisfyingly drunk, and slept about an hour and a half. Curtis took Amelia and me back to her house... we walked up to her neighborhood park and met Derek. Hung out there for a little while and went back home for pizza and Invader Zim.

We fell asleep during Invader Zim and I didn't get home until about 6 today. So, I think I can pretty safely say that this weekend was THE SHIT. Even if I don't get to see Cat Power. It's all good.

Oh, and there's also the fact that as soon as I got home it was non-stop bitching from kay and my dad. laks;dfja;dfj

But. That not being the point, YAY WEEKEND!

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-18T15:34:00

2006-11-18T20:34:36Z

"Captain! Urgent news! Kay Ruth's sister is staying in your house tonight!"

"Not... no! I thought..."

"It's true. What actions will you take?!"

...With her wifebeater of supreme justice, Hollis transforms into...

EVASION HOLLIS!

With her superior agility, she dials the phone number that she knows will answer! Amelia!!

[Amelia is often Hollis' counterpart in her heroic deeds.]

"AMELIA! We have a serious problem!"

"What is it, Captain? Do you need "OTHER" to be pushed down on a lid?!!!"

"Not this time, trusty sidekick. This time it's really serious. We have an evil-doer coming into my home."

"Oh no!"

...To be continued...

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-18T14:00:00

2006-11-18T19:00:59Z

WHY

did I dream about you?

You people are so pathetic. You need someone to pick you up when you fall. You need someone to guide you through YOUR life. Once, I tried to be that. But I guess it's kind of hard to understand that it takes practice to become a functioning human being. I'm not even close yet.

I overreact. I freak out about things. But you will never see me do it again. It takes discipline to hurt worse than you've ever hurt in your life, and not tell a soul. I admire people like that. And you know what I hate? I hate people like you. I hate people like you... who publicize every bad aspect of their lives in a pathetic attempt to gain pity and/or trust.

And I'm sure you lie, too.

Why do I even think about this?

Desecrated

2006-11-17T22:33:33Z

My altar was desecrated.

I don't even think I will find all the parts of it when we're done with the central cooling and everything.

Thanks Dad.

I'm supposed to see Levi tomorrow.

Kay's sister is staying over tomorrow night.

Please somebody get me out of this house tomorrow night.

Cat Power is playing at Cat's Cradle on Sunday. I want to go. I'm pretty sure it won't happen.

I feel like all my hopes for this weekend will be shattered.

Suddenly

2006-11-16T21:28:43Z

All of the sudden, I hate sex with a passion. I mean, I haven't had sex in a while. It's not like "God, sex is so annoying"

Just thinking about it kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

good_lederhosen @ 2006-11-15T18:19:00

2006-11-15T23:19:33Z

You have to touch something to believe that it is real. But touching, sense, perception, is in many ways as unreal as it gets.

My only escape is to try to think of things that make me laugh. Because nothing else really distracts me anymore.

Humanity tries to think that we are the supreme, ultimate power in the universe when there is so much more that our minds can't explain. We have to write it down, think about it, make sure it's right... can't ever just believe something because we see it and we know it.

Can't ever just stop looking with our eyes.

We've all seen things we don't understand and we question them... when will anyone realize that questions only create words, and words warp meaning?

One night I stared up at the sky. I saw something so peculiar and strange that I couldn't stop watching. I got scared and breathless but I didn't look away. I didn't question it, and I don't question it now. I don't name it, I don't give it words because when I drew a breath to ask what it was doing, it vanished.

Tactics

2006-11-14T20:47:00Z

Silly mind games, simple ways to get to people because you know them and you know how they work. And of course, their mind games work. It's not difficult to hurt people if they are your friends.

And that's the worst part. Friendship shouldn't be about teaching friends a lesson, or fighting, or letting them know that you are better than them. It shouldn't be about hating each other out of spite and jealousy.

It should be about comfort and love, DESPITE the problems that arise. It shouldn't be about dropping off the face of the planet when they do something wrong.

But, it is all about tactics. Friendship is all about a horrible game of chess where one side wins and the other one eats the dust.

Usually they both end up desolate.

Petty insults rule the highschool scene, and no matter how many times I say I've had enough of it, I won't be able to escape it for now so what's the use?

Of course, there is always a way to back out, there is always a last resort but I'm too nice, I'm not cruel enough. I care too much, but no one has any idea just how much. That's another part of it--you have to become detached so that you can slice them away when they get too edgy.

And sometimes I wish that I was the person that I was before I met Pickles, I was that hellish fuck on the face of the planet...because I didn't have as much morality, I didn't have any mercy for myself or for anyone else. Most of the time I feel like you deserve whoever I was because I didn't care then who could put up with me or not.

I feel like I am slowly turning into her again and it scares me. I can't imagine what will happen this time around.

I dunno

2006-11-13T21:39:36Z

Well other than the immense amount of drama, my life has been pretty boring.

asjkldfjalsdkfj

What was that last thing you said?
I think I missed it
when I was counting
syllables in your throat

It's easy

2006-11-11T19:53:52Z

It's not hard to cut people out of your life. I do it pretty often, because I hold standards and I stick by them.

So basically I'm sick now too. Stress + constant smoking = sick. Apparently. Lots of work to do this weekend... and such.

Computer hopefully fixed by next week. Today I might hang out with David Kolbasowski.

Woot.

I woke up this morning and I wished it was sunday.

No u r lol!!!

2006-11-09T21:24:21Z

Internet drama is really fucking amazing, you know?

I'd like to explain what has happened to me over the past week.

On Sunday I went to see Megan and Nicole (let me clarify this)
-Megan invited me
-Laura gave me directions
-I drove there my-fucking-self
-Megan offered me AND alex a beer
-Laura was going to take me home, but then when alex came over alex took me home instead
-I brought a bowl pack of some pretty good shit, megan and I smoked it
-I left my bowl there
-at some point they all went off to be alone
-Stephen came over
-and then alex and I went home

So apparently this gives me so much shit that now EVERYONE hates me. Oh good job you guys, really fucking mature. Fuck you kate. What you have to say really doesn't bother me, just informs me that someone pissed in my bowl? Oh yeah, you guys really hit me hard with your fucking bravery.

And so, I failed three classes, computer's crashed, and now I have to walk to the library just to sort out this shit with some bitch that I don't even give a fuck about. Kate, I've tried. And I want to point out something to you: you or somebody pissed on MY property... who has your birthday earrings?

Me being friends with alex does not mean it's the end of the fucking world. You have no reason to hate me, Kate, just fucking own up to that and everyone will breathe a little easier. No one is afraid of you, actually... everyone is just afraid of the massive amounts of bullshit that you bring with you.

I didn't do SHIT. Get over yourselves.

Kylie, I honestly didn't think I could expect this kind of immature bullshit from you but I guess I was wrong. I guess I've pretty much lost faith in all my friends except alex. So that was smart... get me closer to the one person you don't want me to be around.

This is how you deal with your problems? Posting mean journal entries, hoping the person will see it and get hurt? Not calling them back? Peeing on their stuff?

Yeah man, piss is funny. That's why I giggle every time I think about it. No it's not, it's gross. You're gross. As the infamous Kate would say, "rot in hell."

I expected more from peolpe that I considered close friends but I guess I put too much faith in my selection

And a little PS
Dear Kate,
I am not in your life
I am not trying to be in your life
I am not doing shit to you
YOU PUSH YOUR WAY INTO MINE

-Hollis

Alright bitch. Here's the deal.

2006-11-08T22:26:14Z

My computer crashed yesterday. Uhh.

My heart is beating like crazy right now. I am at the library.

Why can't anyone shut the fuck up, just for two seconds, please just shut the hell up

I have a psycho appointment in two weeks.

Also I failed three classes.

One of them, I can turn into a passing grade though...for first quarter that is.

This quarter I'm going to be forced to do better anyway. I mean hell, no friends to get in my fucking way

By the way

I think I'm great
I think I'm fantastic
I ignore my friends
I don't take hints, bitch
I get in everyone's way
I fuck everything up.

Happy? Good. Now go fuck yourself